To Clarify, if I may...

My last post has been cause of some alarm in some quarters, and for that I humbly apologize.

Without going into too many intricate and intimate gyrations, I have no intention of harming myself, now or in the future.

After the psychotic break of April last when I was indeed searching for a solution to stop the pain or whatever the hell I was doing, I agreed to defer decision-making to others in better control of the situation. In essence, whenever Ellen or one of my mental health professionals feel that I'm a danger to anyone, I'm to report to the VAMC ER on Zorn Ave. for an assessment and possible in-patient placement until it is determined that I have regained the healthy state of mind necessary for linear, logical thought processing.

In short, I love and respect my wife, children and siblings far too much to do anything that would paint me into the veritable corner with no path to redemption. My Ellen is, and always will be, the most incredible, beautiful and serendipitous "event" in my world; as a result, I owe it to myself to ensure she never, ever regrets making the decision to build a life with me as her partner.

Also, please understand that at times most bleak, stuck in that place that crushes your lungs, when no relief is imaginable, it is always the thought of my kids--all of them--having to ascertain what is meant by "Dad gone forever" that triggers something primal: the deepest, most profound shame and guilt that bounces me out of the "poor me's" like a Taser to the scrotal sac.    

Again, Mea Culpa for the poor choice of words that caused the unnecessary fright. Despite appearances, S.S. Ernst Wolfgang sails skips vogues does what it can to survive another day, to fight the worthy battle, with all you in tow and for the show.

XOXO
Ernst Wolfgang