Ahhhh, Valentine's Day, the day for lovers and friends. Contrived, forced, fake affection, the kind most Americans can relate to. No? Well, as many of you well know, I'm not overly fond of “contrived affection” also called “mandatory fun” in the Army. Yay. So much fun. The real reason this is such an emotional event for me? It was 26 years ago today that I joined the Army on Active Duty!

Took the oath in Tampa, FL, at the MEPS Station, hopped on a plane to Atlanta where I changed planes for St. Louis, MO. Eventually loaded onto a bus with a bunch of subdued guys headed for Oblivion or the at least the Unknown. Three full days later I was issued a uniform. Importance? I got on the plane in Tampa in a pair of shorts. I'll give you a single guess whose baggage, which included a pair of jeans and a sweat shirt, didn't make it to St. Louis? Yes, I had to stand around in the holding area for 3 days in a pair of shorts. In Missouri. In February. Yes, it was cold. No, the drill sergeants didn't let it pass.

The Senior Drill of our company made a point of asking me when it was incredibly cold, “Florida! Cold enough for ya?!” “No, Drill Sergeant! Not cold enough, yet!” was my stock response. This was even after 3 hours of Drill & Ceremony (D&C) on the asphalt pad in very, very cold weather with no protection from the foul elements. No one could feel anything below their knees, many could feel nothing above their shoulders but, just like many Americans and most of the Bush Administration, that numbness pre-dated basic training and has absolutely no correlation to the ambient temperature nor exposure to the elements. As my step-daughter is fond of saying when she feels her Muse of Sass has inspired an especially delicious talk-back to her mom or me, “Oh Snap!”

Here's the present situation: Sitting in the den, watching the beginning of a storm that will eventually dump another 6”-10” of new snow on our snow-saturated asses and streets. Ell and I watching “The World's Greatest Dad” with the Robin Williams (the movie is surprisingly good, especially for Robin Williams), the kids sound asleep. The movie is a huge surprise, and poignant, too. The music is SUPERB! Ell agrees that it is a legitimate 4 1/2/5 stars!

My Ell is on the couch. It's Valentine's Day, the singular, most concocted, bullshit “holiday” on God's green earth. She bought me a card knowing full well how I feel about this stuff. I'd rather buy my sweet a surprise set of tickets to a concert when she doesn't expect it. Sometimes, I buy her a bouquet of flowers for the dining room table because she works her ass off--both here for her family and at the office for Kentucky's veterans--
and because she's the most beautiful woman who's ever been in my life. And she stays with me despite my warts and foibles and darkness and “weird” movies (foreign or Indie, not “snuff flicks” you sick bastards! You know who you are!) and pain and depression and pain pain pain pain...

If ANY ONE person understands me and STILL loves me, it is her. She sees the good as greater than the bad, knows what I can do when things are relatively well, and still has faith that I'm intrinsically a good, decent, loving person who genuinely cares about others, usually more than I care about myself. Some jackass asked me once if I was the type of person who ran from gunfire or towards it, and I can honestly say that I've always been the type—for good or bad, but for all the right impulses—to run towards the gunfire. Not that I have a death wish, mind you, but because I used to believe that my personality and good intentions could help solve the situation or protect someone in harm's way.

I'm not sure I feel so cocky about myself these days, especially in my physical abilities, but it means everything for me to believe that Ell knows I'd do that for her, our kids, other family members in crisis, even friends if they let me get close enough. I don't know if it's enough for her to keep me around, to keep pulling me out of my dark corners, but she is the light in my dark, the spark in my step, the rock upon which I stand and sea in which I flow.* I wish every person worthy of such true, deep feelings gets to have a relationship and share their world with someone like my Ell.

Ell: I love you now, and I always will. Happy Valentine's Day.

XOXO
Ernst W.

* With apologies to Coldplay's “Green Eyes” which was written with my green-eyed Ell in mind. Ask THEM, not me.