Well, hopefully it's not that bad, you unwashed ingrates. I pick up the poisoned pen to report some shocking news. Believe it or not, even after the unsuccessful bid for Family Man of the Year, I've been acting the fool, the boor, the unquestioned Pain in the Ass. Fortunately, with the singular exception of the new bag boy at Kroger who refused to respond to my pleas that he NOT break my loaf of Italian bread, the only real victims have been the people closest to me. Despite my pointing out my surly and sour mood on Facebook this evening, Ell and the kids are close to getting an EPO* on me.
"Why?" you ask in unison. Primarily, after stepping up to help Ell (and Erin) get back and forth to school and work as Ell's driving (or right) ankle heals after her serious sprain, the pain in my back and--particularly--my right hip has reached new levels of agony. Hurting like this, with muscle spasms a regular event on a daily, if not hourly, basis makes sleeping extremely difficult. Not that this excuses my boorish and difficult behaviors and moods. But I must not forget that that my anxiety, my interrupted sleep schedule, my irregular everything else, is not the fault of the people I love and need the most.
This is not to say that the kids--being kids and all, one of them a teen to boot--weren't more annoying than normal because I wouldn't let them go sledding b/c it was, a) late in the day, b) meant I would have to drive them down to the hill when I ALSO had to pick up Mom from work, and c) they had no safe way to return home because our street was not plowed and they had no place to safely avoid traffic.
"THOSE ARE STUPID REASONS!"
"WHY CAN'T WE GO ANYWAY?"
"IT'LL BE TOO COLD TO GO TOMORROW!"
"WHY DO YOU HATE US TO BE HAPPY?!?!"
Et cetera. Ho-hum. Kinda makes you wanna feed 'em to tigers, don't it? That was rhetorical.
The truth of the matter is that these are wonderful, caring, sweet kids who care for me everyday. Same for Ell, who often must shoulder most of the day-to-day load IN ADDITION TO her stressful and demanding job. As a group of people, I couldn't ask for better. In fact, as my friend SusanMig reminded me recently, I'm blessed to have such people in my life. And I am. What they need are more reasons to be thankful that I'm in their lives.
That's my task, to try my damnedest to make my presence in their lives a consistently positive, loving, and caring experience. They're worth the effort. What I need to do is convince myself of this: I'm worth it, too. That, my friends, is the battle, albeit an uphill one. Did I mention that I've been a pain in the ass?
XOXO
Ernst W.
j.r. - sorry your pain has been increasing....that completely sucks! but, it's understandable with all the extra things you've been doing. it's hard to be nice when in pain....kids aren't gonna understand that. and, as we all know....you always hurt the ones you love. ask fred. he's been at the receiving end of my "pain" on more than one occasion! the kids will be fine in the long run....you and ell will be fine too. stick to your task....it is a great one!! life is a battle....different for all of us, in different ways. thank you for sharing it with me. keep on keeping on!
ReplyDeleteoh! thanks for the shout out!! :)
AHA! A sister (eccentric at best) emerges to post a note to my bro and those who support his efforts to overcome troubled times.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure that anyone who's read jr's blog has concluded that he's highly intelligent, articulate and frequently cynical. He has a side to him that few have encountered, he's generous and despite his harsh commentary (at times)has a deeply caring nature. He has helped me through tough times without a second thought.
jr has a loving family whom are stymied with no tangile idea of how best to support him. Talk, talk, talk (is cheap)and we've accomplished with nada results. If jr were to hurt himself, my brother RB and I would never forgive ourselves(or jr)for not having the tenacity to further our efforts. Alas, we're only laymen with advice, critisism and good intentions.
By the way of family history jr's self destucive behavior is similar to our father, a very intelligent man who died at age 55 as a result of similar demons.
For those that support his efforts we are grateful as he needs an outlet for his pain
enough for now
frances,
ReplyDeletei would hope that j.r. would never hurt himself. although, what do i really know....
i am hopeful that therapy will be helpful and that this blog will continue to be a sounding board for him.....i also know that one puts forth one persona to the world and another, darker one (?) that only those very close see and know. when in therapy it's VERY difficult to show that darker side.....and receive feedback and help for those demons that lurk. THAT is key, j.r.!!! let the therapy work by showing up and showing your true self!